i honestly did not know that this day existed until i clicked on to health for the whole self this morning, but i am glad there is. i would like to take this post to give thanks to my body and all it does for me.
dear body, thank you for . . .
- blessing me with a larger frame that is able to carry a beautiful amount of muscle which makes me stronger than your average bear
- making sure i get through the day no matter how easy or tough it may be
- blessing me with curvy shapes that do in fact make some people jealous
- forgiving me throughout all of the diet and exercise torture i put you through for absolutely no reason
- for still letting me know when i am feeding you something you like, or dont like and for letting me know when you are satisfied
- letting me know when it is time to rest or letting me know when it is time to get up and GO!
- being healthy and moving freely
- allowing me to try different activities and go to different places
- forgiving me as i sometimes slip up while on a never-ending journey to achieve balance
- being connected to my mind and my soul
i promise to respect you as best i can and never forget that i am nothing without you.
i swear the week leading up to that time of the month is MUCH worse then actually having it. i say this because in this week i always experience crazy up and down emotions and can break out and cry at any minute. the newest thing that i noticed in the past year is that i also get a span of 2-3 days where i am just DEAD tired. you know, the kind of tired that is not just in your head, but your whole entire being. the kind of tired that could put you in a deep sleep within a minute while you are standing up . . . at work!
i am hoping that today was one of those days because damn, i really dont feel like myself at all. this morning i woke up from a very deep sleep which in itself is a bad place to start. i gained some pep at work for the few hours that i was there, but by the end, i found myself placing my head in my hands and closing my eyes in the brief moments when nobody was around.
when i finally got home, i was all ready to nap. i had my phone on silent just so that i could make it clear to myself that today, i could do what I wanted to do, even though i had a to-do list in my head of so many things that i should do. i slept on and off for about an hour and 20min. i woke up to texts from chris wondering if i was going to visit him at work, and missed calls from my mother wondering where i was and if i would like to join them on a small family road trip while they were on their last legs of their week of vacation.
i dropped the to-do list in my head and i am grateful i did because i ended up having a good time. we went to harold's deli which is kind of a chain resturant that is in new york but they have one in northern nj. these sandwiches are HUGE, to the point where they are literally ~$23 each and could easily serve 2-3 people. i must say that i was incredibly proud of myself for how i ate. i joyfully enjoyed a piece of everyones food (sis and i split a corned-beef sandwich) without truly overeating. i made mention to my dad about the 'comfortable sigh' which to me is more like a deep breath that warns me that i have only 1-2 bites left before i cross the line into uncomfortable fullness (anywhere after 7.5 on hunger scale). then, mom ordered dessert for the table which consisted of bread pudding and a HUGE slice of strawberry cheesecake. the cheesecake was AMAZING. i mean really, ive never tasted cheesecake like that before. i made sure it was savored and i did end up leaving some of my piece on the plate and walked out feeling like i ate a big meal, but not sick. i also was introduced to 'health salad' which is a kosher type coleslaw which i will try and replicate in the near future.
after that, we took a long drive home along the delaware river and even stopped to take it in. im so grateful for little trips like that although i was missing chris because i know he appreciates those things too. in the car, i was dead tired again ... i slept for about 15min but even as we got to my parents house i just had this looming exhaustion over me. i couldnt wait to get back to my apartment and try to nap AGAIN even though it was already 6pm.
but, i did and this one was better then all of them, really deep sleep. the only problem was that we had friends trying to get us to come over tonight and swim and have some drinks ect. even though i technically was physically capable of going, i just really wasnt in the mood to deal with people, friends or not. i know this makes chris angry especially since they are his friends, but we are both different people and i know myself enough to know that i would only make things worse.
by the time he got home he was tired anyway. he has to work all over again too. but i know he is mad. he is just kind enough to me to not make it a big deal. after the nap from 6-9 i gathered up enough energy to sort out the mail on the kitchen table and get the dishes done and here i am.
i hate this fog i am in, i really do. i cant think clearly and everything that i should be doing bothers me with so much more intensity. i cant help but think that i am using my naps as a way to distract myself from being this person that i know i am not during this time . . . hence, nap-stractions. what baffles me however is that each time i did nap, i was put in a deep sleep so im thinking that maybe i truly need the rest too?
tomorrow i am waking up at 5am to attempt a beach run. i know this is potentially dangerous knowing that it is a strong possibility that i wont be able to do this with my normal intensity. but i have come a long way in accepting that and realizing that even just walking will be enough. plus i will bring my copy of eat, pray, love as a crutch.
as for the rest of sunday. what i would really like to do is get a good food shop in and start making some more healthful meals for the week and healthy grab and go snacks. but we shall see.
oh and for the record, all i ate today besides that lunch was a bowl of oatbran at 7am and a peach around 5:30pm. im thankful that i am at least in tune enough to realize that my body was able to handle really just one big meal today and that kept me satisfied and i didnt feel like i HAD to eat at any other time because it was dinner time or because on a normal day i would.
so it has almost been officially 1 month since my intuitive eating has started. i have learned so much in a short period of time and made so much progress that which i am very proud of.
things now however, are starting to spiral a bit back into the same old way . . . before IE. i do have some anxiety/stress about some upcoming things in the next few months and i believe this is causing me to get out of tune with the rhythm of listening to my mind and my body equally.
what i have learned is that when i am in a good rhythm with everything, i feel on top of the world. this happens when i am truly eating what i want and stopping when i am satisfied, eating mostly wholesome foods, exercising at least 3x per week (because it feels good), and taking some time out to relax and not worry about my never ending to-do list which is really filling up with boring and mundane things that MUST be done such as oil changes, laundry, cleaning . . . ect. id say i dont have enough time, but in reality . . . i do, i just cant seem to make those things a priority until they are procrastinated until the very last minute.
so how do i balance this all out? i deserve time to relax and have fun, but i also need to find a way to get all of these things done . . . .
i want to be in tune again so that i can enjoy the rhythm and make myself feel like i can do anything. my confidence is slowly slipping steps back and i dont like the feeling.
i created some 'wellness goals' for this week. things that would ultimatley make the part of taking care of me satisfied. things that i dont want on my to-do list because they would eventually seem like something i MUST do. and they are as follows . . . .
- Exercise: 2 gym workouts, 2 long cardio sessions. I would normally want 3 of each but skipping one makes me feel like i HAVE cram more in which leads me strangely to not do it at all so 2 seems like a good goal.
- Stock apartment with more wholesome foods, meals and snacks so i am not grabbing from the never ending sugar crash pile that leads to daily naps and lethargy
- Meditate at LEAST 2x this week for at least 10min, this truly does wonders for centering myself, whether it is before a hectic day at work, or coming home after the hectic day to sit with my feelings, both seem to help me break my robotic shield and realize there is more to life then duties.
- Have one lazy sleep-in morning. I was fortunate enough to have one of those last week and damn, it felt really good! Even though i had work later that day, just lazing around in my pajamas making a cup of coffee to put in a REAL mug and not a travel mug just was exactly what i needed to do.
- Make plans with a friend. I am the WORST at hanging out with my own friends, i love my friends dont get me wrong, but it is so hard sometimes for the stars to align. Plus, i put so much pressure on myself that everyone should have a good time that i get lost in these thoughts and lose sight of what really matters, being with people that care about me and having a good time!
i hope these goals will also help me write in here more and document my life better. i feel best when my thoughts are somewhere out there, scrambled or not.
i would like to report though that i have already checked off #5. i have made plans for chris and i to have dinner with our friends, a couple who just got married (i was in her wedding). we havent all been together in a while, so it will be nice to see them and catch up, this is next week though . .. . but the plans were still made :D
until next time . . .
i have been extremely lucky & grateful enough to have gone on 3 wonderful vacations in the 4 years that chris and i have been together. on 2 cruises and one trip to disney world of course its almost impossible not to have a good time but ive selfishly always felt like things could have been 'better'. and by better i do mean that i always felt that if i was at the perfect weight, then i deserved to have a better time.
the cycle goes like this . . . .
a vacation is booked 3-4 months in advance. excitement fills me but so does an impending fear. i look at myself and assure that i have enough time to lose weight so i can look great. i come up with a strict plan and tell myself if i just struggle with this now, then i can relax on vacation. the first few weeks are ok. then i start to fall off the wagon as the diet rush wares off. i start eating foods slowly that i have been restricting . . . i start bingeing on them and tell myself its ok because i still have time. i end up stressing myself out so much that i even gain a few pounds. 2-3 weeks are left. i begin to buy clothes that are slightly tight because i know that i will crack down more then ever and lose this damn weight. the week leading up to vacation is hectic . . . planning, packing, stressing . . . the excitement and anxiety is quelled by binging boughts and constant meals out. i weigh in the day before the vacation . . . i weigh 5-7lbs more then i started and my tight clothes are even tighter.
this unfortunatley sets the tone for my whole vacation. i am excited but still disapointed in myself for failing. i eat with reckless abandon because not only am i on vacation, but i dont trust myself anyway so who cares. every night i try on 10 different outfits to find the perfect one that hides that pooch, or one that doesnt make my arms look as fat . . . i cry in the mirror, chris consoles me and tells me i look great anyway. i go on to have fun even though i feel awful on the inside. i spend the plane ride home dreaming about how i will look on the next vacation, and about how next time i will look and feel confident enough to do karaoke, to volunteer in fun contests, to dance . . . to live like i deserve it.
and the cycle continues . . .
this year we decided after much thought that we were going to take another week long cruise in mid october. we recently moved in together and money is tight, but he is working so much this summer and i start school in november so we decided it is important to connect and have fun before our lives started taking a different turn.
i have to admit, when i started reading IE, my immediate thought was "great! this is exactly what i need to lose some weight before my cruise!". as i read further along . . . i began to realize that this wasnt a quick fix and i had a lot to work on in my mind before losing weight was even a possibility. then as i got to the 'respect your body' principal . . . something clicked.
"as long as i truly learn to be happy with myself NOW, it wont matter what weight i am on vacation!"
this opened up a whole new realm of excitement for sure. making this my primary goal instead of losing weight is exactly what i need to do and i have made so much progress already. things are different this time around . . . i feel it.
for instance. the other night we went to a move with friends and then to applebees for 1/2 price appetizers (bc sometimes it is fun to be 17 again!). i wasnt incredibly hungry but i did order a basket of boneless southern bbq wings because i knew i would at least want a few. chris ordered and ate 2 baskets plus half of his friends, some mozzarella sticks and some nachos too. real quick . . . chris is known as a garbage disposal . . . he can eat and eat and eat and not gain a pound. anyway, it was late by the time we got home, and although i left 1/3 of my appetizer, i was feeling a tad bit more then satisfied but i was ok with that because i knew why . . . like i said before . . . i wasnt incredibly hungry. chris felt fine too but this is normal.
the next day we planned a nice beach day. upon waking that morning, we both werent hungry . . . we ate pretty late that night before, so we honored the fact that we werent hungry and just brought some fruit and whole grain pretzels to the beach. i noticed that chris was a bit resistant to go . . . he told me he felt fat and bloated and of course to me, he looked completely fine. me however, i was ready to go . . . i wanted to be in my bathing suit . . . play in the water and have a great time.
i noticed right away that the roles for ONCE in my life were reversed. usually, that would have always been me. i would have eaten to oblivion that night . . . and it would have ruined the next day like no other. overeating makes me feel heavy, lethargic, fat, bloated and more importantly . . . it makes me feel like i dont deserve to go out and have a good time. why oh why did i live like that! as bad as i felt for chris, i was able to sympathize and i learned a HUGE lesson . . . like life made him a mirror for me.
this is what happened on all vacations . . . the adrenaline of being out and away numbed how much food i was eating up until the last few days at least. i would then feel worse and worse (oh, and having trouble um, going to the bathroom did not help either). i would withdraw from fun situations and find myself wanting to nap and hide more . . . ON VACATION!!! i now can not believe that would be on vacation pondering about how much better the next one would be completley wasting the moment and wishing it away for something better simply because i overate and felt sorry for myself.
things feel different this time. really, they do. i am excited to live and do all of the things ive kept myself hiding from. i am learning to trust myself around a large variety and amount of food. i know the consequences if i dont. even better is the fact that i still have over 2 months to keep learning to cultivate all of these new lessons and keep learning how to love myself NOW.
life is exciting . . .
i thought exercise would help me get back to being better in tune with my body's signals but for some reason, that hasnt happened like i thought it would. i feel like i have been very gassy and bloated and really not sure what is going on. ive felt spurts of humger, but very short lived . . . not enough to really tell me what it is that i need. i have eaten anyway because i know i need to be fed . . . but it honestly feels like i am working against something. like my body is saying 'hold on! im doing something here!'
one lesson that i am learning through this is how mindless i usually was. for instance . . . i had just eaten out lunch with my sister and i am definetly not full or hungry but my mind was telling me to go look for cookies because
A.) im at my parents and i usually eat my worst when i am here, so why not!
B.) if im out of tune, might as well use this as a time where things dont 'count'. i could always go back and blame it on the time i was out of tune . .. erg
luckily, i know better now and i am not going to eat for no reason. in fact, i am not going to eat at all! thats right . . . i am officially not going to eat anything until i truly feel hunger again. maybe my body is repairing something, or maybe i am having difficulty digesting something that my body didnt agree with and it needs more time. for whatever reason, i just dont feel like i am empty lately if that makes sense and i know to get back to balance i need to have this feeling, so i am going to respect my body and let it do its work and hopefully i can report back with some positive results!
ive come to the conclusion that i feel MUCH better when i am exercising regularly. since my work schedule is a bit hectic there are 3 guaranteed days that it is impossible for me to work out. well, i shouldnt say impossible but i choose to have at least 3 hours of life on a 12 hour working day.
i havent really exercised since sunday and im noticing something very important. on days when i exercise, i am way more in tune with my body and its signals. i can FEEL things more whether its when i am hungry or full, or happy or sad. this is a good thing because it makes me feel like i am progressing to the point where exercise is done to feel good and not for weight loss. currently, i am embarrased to say that i still wear a heart rate monitor during exercise, and yes . . . one that tracks calories :( i know in my head that it still counts with or without the monitor . . . but i am having trouble breaking the habit.
i guess the point is that today i am feeling a little less pep about everything and i think i have cracked the surface on why. exercise actually makes me feel better!
tomorrow i plan on getting plenty so we shall see :)
i LOVE going out to eat. it feels very special to me and i love being able to try new things. i used to look at going out to eat as a special occasion . . . i would have to be "good" in order to earn a nice meal out. of course when i got there my immediate thoughts pushed me to believe that i wouldnt be doing this again until i saved up enough "good" days so i would take all i could get. id do one of two things . . . look at the menu online, decide what is semi-healthy and make sure id take half home (even though i would still be hungry). or go all out and order something "bad" like a burger and fries and eat the whole damn thing.
this past week, i have had many meals out. part of the reason is because well, its summer and i like going out and part of it is because i finally gave myself permission to enjoy it so it is not as scary. for instance, yesterday i went out to lunch with my co-worker friend. she had already knew what she wanted and it just so happened that her meal came with dessert and an appetizer. i had ordered a carribean chicken sandwich because thats what i honestly wanted. well, she is on a diet so all bets were off . . . this was her time to totally pig out, and that she did. i on the other hand, made a promise to myself that i would just stop eating when i was satisfied (more on this subject in the future!) and i had this kind of mental block that i would stop at half, and bring the rest home. well . . . as i got to half, i was still just a bit hungry, so i continued eating a few more bites and then stopped . . . to my very suprise . . . there was about 2-3 bites left of the sandwich and a few sweet potato fries. now, usually there would either be half or nothing and today i was in between! I FOUND THE GRAY :D. . . this truly makes me believe that i am progressing forward. in that moment, i felt like the stresses of eating a meal out totally dissapeared because today i trusted my body to tell me what to do.
my friend on the other hand ate some of her dessert (after getting mad at me for not getting any) and took the rest back to work with us. she told me that she felt like she shouldnt take any leftovers home because she didnt want to "ruin" two days instead of one. meaning if she took the stuff home, tomorrow would not be a "good" day. i simply told her just to eat it if she wanted it, and if not . . . dont! "but its soooo goood" she said ; )
today chris and i went out to a new thai place, we have never been to one and although we were excited . . . i just didnt really feel like i was really able to give my full attention and excitement to the experience. i know part of it is because i may be sick of spending so much money on meals out, but it also is because i just may be sick of eating out! *shock* all in all it was a great meal . . . but it would have been much better if i was truly excited.
the novelty of eating out, is starting to wear off for me i think. just like now i am starting to crave more vegetables and 'lighter' food now that i introduced back everything that i avoided like the plague. i feel like things are going to start balancing out even more that food isnt scary to me, this is a good thing. i spent some time today in my kitchen preparing foods for the rest of the week which felt good. i can look forward to some salad, beans & rice, grilled veggies, turkey burgers . . . they all sound good!
i havent weighed myself since before a wedding i was in a few weeks ago, i am very curious to see what is going on, but i know that my head is not ready to see the number. i feel that i need further repair before i can be trusted to know the number. i honestly do feel a bit lighter though but that right now is not as important as my mind being lighter :)
