i have been extremely lucky & grateful enough to have gone on 3 wonderful vacations in the 4 years that chris and i have been together. on 2 cruises and one trip to disney world of course its almost impossible not to have a good time but ive selfishly always felt like things could have been 'better'. and by better i do mean that i always felt that if i was at the perfect weight, then i deserved to have a better time.
the cycle goes like this . . . .
a vacation is booked 3-4 months in advance. excitement fills me but so does an impending fear. i look at myself and assure that i have enough time to lose weight so i can look great. i come up with a strict plan and tell myself if i just struggle with this now, then i can relax on vacation. the first few weeks are ok. then i start to fall off the wagon as the diet rush wares off. i start eating foods slowly that i have been restricting . . . i start bingeing on them and tell myself its ok because i still have time. i end up stressing myself out so much that i even gain a few pounds. 2-3 weeks are left. i begin to buy clothes that are slightly tight because i know that i will crack down more then ever and lose this damn weight. the week leading up to vacation is hectic . . . planning, packing, stressing . . . the excitement and anxiety is quelled by binging boughts and constant meals out. i weigh in the day before the vacation . . . i weigh 5-7lbs more then i started and my tight clothes are even tighter.
this unfortunatley sets the tone for my whole vacation. i am excited but still disapointed in myself for failing. i eat with reckless abandon because not only am i on vacation, but i dont trust myself anyway so who cares. every night i try on 10 different outfits to find the perfect one that hides that pooch, or one that doesnt make my arms look as fat . . . i cry in the mirror, chris consoles me and tells me i look great anyway. i go on to have fun even though i feel awful on the inside. i spend the plane ride home dreaming about how i will look on the next vacation, and about how next time i will look and feel confident enough to do karaoke, to volunteer in fun contests, to dance . . . to live like i deserve it.
and the cycle continues . . .
this year we decided after much thought that we were going to take another week long cruise in mid october. we recently moved in together and money is tight, but he is working so much this summer and i start school in november so we decided it is important to connect and have fun before our lives started taking a different turn.
i have to admit, when i started reading IE, my immediate thought was "great! this is exactly what i need to lose some weight before my cruise!". as i read further along . . . i began to realize that this wasnt a quick fix and i had a lot to work on in my mind before losing weight was even a possibility. then as i got to the 'respect your body' principal . . . something clicked.
"as long as i truly learn to be happy with myself NOW, it wont matter what weight i am on vacation!"
this opened up a whole new realm of excitement for sure. making this my primary goal instead of losing weight is exactly what i need to do and i have made so much progress already. things are different this time around . . . i feel it.
for instance. the other night we went to a move with friends and then to applebees for 1/2 price appetizers (bc sometimes it is fun to be 17 again!). i wasnt incredibly hungry but i did order a basket of boneless southern bbq wings because i knew i would at least want a few. chris ordered and ate 2 baskets plus half of his friends, some mozzarella sticks and some nachos too. real quick . . . chris is known as a garbage disposal . . . he can eat and eat and eat and not gain a pound. anyway, it was late by the time we got home, and although i left 1/3 of my appetizer, i was feeling a tad bit more then satisfied but i was ok with that because i knew why . . . like i said before . . . i wasnt incredibly hungry. chris felt fine too but this is normal.
the next day we planned a nice beach day. upon waking that morning, we both werent hungry . . . we ate pretty late that night before, so we honored the fact that we werent hungry and just brought some fruit and whole grain pretzels to the beach. i noticed that chris was a bit resistant to go . . . he told me he felt fat and bloated and of course to me, he looked completely fine. me however, i was ready to go . . . i wanted to be in my bathing suit . . . play in the water and have a great time.
i noticed right away that the roles for ONCE in my life were reversed. usually, that would have always been me. i would have eaten to oblivion that night . . . and it would have ruined the next day like no other. overeating makes me feel heavy, lethargic, fat, bloated and more importantly . . . it makes me feel like i dont deserve to go out and have a good time. why oh why did i live like that! as bad as i felt for chris, i was able to sympathize and i learned a HUGE lesson . . . like life made him a mirror for me.
this is what happened on all vacations . . . the adrenaline of being out and away numbed how much food i was eating up until the last few days at least. i would then feel worse and worse (oh, and having trouble um, going to the bathroom did not help either). i would withdraw from fun situations and find myself wanting to nap and hide more . . . ON VACATION!!! i now can not believe that would be on vacation pondering about how much better the next one would be completley wasting the moment and wishing it away for something better simply because i overate and felt sorry for myself.
things feel different this time. really, they do. i am excited to live and do all of the things ive kept myself hiding from. i am learning to trust myself around a large variety and amount of food. i know the consequences if i dont. even better is the fact that i still have over 2 months to keep learning to cultivate all of these new lessons and keep learning how to love myself NOW.
life is exciting . . .
No comments:
Post a Comment