i swear the week leading up to that time of the month is MUCH worse then actually having it. i say this because in this week i always experience crazy up and down emotions and can break out and cry at any minute. the newest thing that i noticed in the past year is that i also get a span of 2-3 days where i am just DEAD tired. you know, the kind of tired that is not just in your head, but your whole entire being. the kind of tired that could put you in a deep sleep within a minute while you are standing up . . . at work!
i am hoping that today was one of those days because damn, i really dont feel like myself at all. this morning i woke up from a very deep sleep which in itself is a bad place to start. i gained some pep at work for the few hours that i was there, but by the end, i found myself placing my head in my hands and closing my eyes in the brief moments when nobody was around.
when i finally got home, i was all ready to nap. i had my phone on silent just so that i could make it clear to myself that today, i could do what I wanted to do, even though i had a to-do list in my head of so many things that i should do. i slept on and off for about an hour and 20min. i woke up to texts from chris wondering if i was going to visit him at work, and missed calls from my mother wondering where i was and if i would like to join them on a small family road trip while they were on their last legs of their week of vacation.
i dropped the to-do list in my head and i am grateful i did because i ended up having a good time. we went to harold's deli which is kind of a chain resturant that is in new york but they have one in northern nj. these sandwiches are HUGE, to the point where they are literally ~$23 each and could easily serve 2-3 people. i must say that i was incredibly proud of myself for how i ate. i joyfully enjoyed a piece of everyones food (sis and i split a corned-beef sandwich) without truly overeating. i made mention to my dad about the 'comfortable sigh' which to me is more like a deep breath that warns me that i have only 1-2 bites left before i cross the line into uncomfortable fullness (anywhere after 7.5 on hunger scale). then, mom ordered dessert for the table which consisted of bread pudding and a HUGE slice of strawberry cheesecake. the cheesecake was AMAZING. i mean really, ive never tasted cheesecake like that before. i made sure it was savored and i did end up leaving some of my piece on the plate and walked out feeling like i ate a big meal, but not sick. i also was introduced to 'health salad' which is a kosher type coleslaw which i will try and replicate in the near future.
after that, we took a long drive home along the delaware river and even stopped to take it in. im so grateful for little trips like that although i was missing chris because i know he appreciates those things too. in the car, i was dead tired again ... i slept for about 15min but even as we got to my parents house i just had this looming exhaustion over me. i couldnt wait to get back to my apartment and try to nap AGAIN even though it was already 6pm.
but, i did and this one was better then all of them, really deep sleep. the only problem was that we had friends trying to get us to come over tonight and swim and have some drinks ect. even though i technically was physically capable of going, i just really wasnt in the mood to deal with people, friends or not. i know this makes chris angry especially since they are his friends, but we are both different people and i know myself enough to know that i would only make things worse.
by the time he got home he was tired anyway. he has to work all over again too. but i know he is mad. he is just kind enough to me to not make it a big deal. after the nap from 6-9 i gathered up enough energy to sort out the mail on the kitchen table and get the dishes done and here i am.
i hate this fog i am in, i really do. i cant think clearly and everything that i should be doing bothers me with so much more intensity. i cant help but think that i am using my naps as a way to distract myself from being this person that i know i am not during this time . . . hence, nap-stractions. what baffles me however is that each time i did nap, i was put in a deep sleep so im thinking that maybe i truly need the rest too?
tomorrow i am waking up at 5am to attempt a beach run. i know this is potentially dangerous knowing that it is a strong possibility that i wont be able to do this with my normal intensity. but i have come a long way in accepting that and realizing that even just walking will be enough. plus i will bring my copy of eat, pray, love as a crutch.
as for the rest of sunday. what i would really like to do is get a good food shop in and start making some more healthful meals for the week and healthy grab and go snacks. but we shall see.
oh and for the record, all i ate today besides that lunch was a bowl of oatbran at 7am and a peach around 5:30pm. im thankful that i am at least in tune enough to realize that my body was able to handle really just one big meal today and that kept me satisfied and i didnt feel like i HAD to eat at any other time because it was dinner time or because on a normal day i would.
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