well, i am a little overwhelmed about where to start here. i have so many issues, new feelings, discoveries and things that i would love to say or just vent about, but i have no idea where to start. i could start with a full story about who i am and how i got here, but honestly i am smack in the middle of my journey. i would really like to document this process and more importantly the progress that i am going through right now, so this is my attempt . . .
long story short, this past week my life feels like it has changed, or a HUGE weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. i finished reading the book 'intuitive eating'. i feel like something finally clicked and for one in a very long time, i am excited to live my life NOW rather then wait until i am 'good enough'.
its so strange how dieting and body obsessing can run your live. i mean really . . . now that i have decided to stop dieting, i feel like i actually have time to think about other things. usually i would fantasize about how happy i would be 90 days from now when i lost 'x' amount of pounds, or trying to figure out if i should eat carbs today, or fast this week, or worry about what i am getting out for lunch. so much of my precious brain and time spent on something that hasnt served me ANY good in the past 8-10 years!!
todays observations:
*today i ate breakfast at home before i got to my parents house where dad had ordered breakfast sandwiches without telling me. i ate about 1/4th of one just for the taste of it and to say i had it. i had no problem with that.
*i also bought a huge $3.00 lemonade at a flea marked that probably had more sugar in it then water. it felt very heavy and i ended up throwing it out after a few sips. i resented the fact that i spent a lot of money on it (i bought it for the whole family and they threw theirs out as well) and so i tried to justify just drinking it . . . not a good idea. im realizing now that the money i paid is not worth the emotional weight and i need to let it go.
*in the car i snacked on some chocolate, cookies, and popcorn while waiting for my mom. i knew we were headed to a diner next and so i probably should have made the decision to wait or at least just have eaten and savored one bite to satisfy my taste hunger.
*at the diner, i ordered a full meal even though i really didnt want it. i didnt eat much of it, i took some home and gave most of it to my dad but next time i must order something smaller like my sister jill who just got a side salad. i felt like i had to redeem the situation or take advantage of the fact that we were out at a new place and i HAD to get something. i need to realize that if i really wanted it again, i could go get it. eating out is NOT a bad thing, especially for a food lover like me. i deserve good food and a good experience and if i am too busy to constantly make meals at home, then this will be my pleasure.
*today was the first day in about a week or so that i tipped the satiety scale at about 7.5. and i must say, it did not feel good and was certiantly not worth it. a lesson learned.
*i realized today at some point that lately ive only either been starving or stuffed. this is obviously a result of restriction and lack of being mindful. looking back this week, it feels nice to just be comfortable all the time when previously . . . its been happy/anxious when i am starving and guilty/shamefull when im stuffed.
luckily for me, this isnt a diet and tomorrow my body will tell me how much i should eat or how to balance the day. i wont look at tomorrow as 'new' but rather look at today as just a day where i was more full then hungry.
i am truly excited for the next week to begin with me trying to be more positive about me and my intuitive eating experience. i already feel a world of difference.
i sincerely wish this post could be perfectly packaged into something solid and understandable, but this is all i could get out right now, my story will unravel slowly :)
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